PREFACE:
In our relationships with others there are so many dimensions; it goes way beyond a 3 or 4 dimensional view of the world. There is what we see and what we don’t see and what we hear and what we don’t hear. There is what we think and what we don’t think and what we are aware of and what we are not aware of. There is what we believe and do not believe and what we trust and do not trust. The biggest mistake anyone of us can make is to think that everyone looks at the world the same way we do. But that is precisely what we all inevitably do. We expect other people to see the world the same way we do.
To become an effective manager of relationships we must first accept that there are as many ways of looking at the world as there are people. People really are quite unique. For every deviation in the way a person perceives the world around us, there are actually hundreds of possibilities. Think of a simple thing like taste. Some people like vanilla and others like chocolate but it truly is not that simple. Some chocolate lovers prefer dark chocolate while others may prefer milk chocolate or German chocolate. Some may prefer chocolate with almonds while others like chocolate with hazel nuts or peanuts or pecans. It’s not just a matter of liking chocolate. There are dozens of nuances to the chocolate taste that can dramatically differ between people. This becomes so much more exaggerated when we begin to think about our preferences for order, organization, pace of life, simplicity or complexity, or even the time of day we are most productive. To announce that you just don’t get why people can’t be on time negates their priorities in the world.
How we relate to one another is not even the whole picture. We can also consider how we relate to the physical world around us and the not-so-physical world of ideas, beliefs, and attitudes. And these are only the external factors. What about how we view ourselves? Do we like ourselves? Do we trust ourselves? Do we have faith in our own abilities? Do we perceive our place in the world as being a good place or do we see it as an uncomfortable place? Do we see our future as being promising or is it filled with dread? For each of these there are extremes and every point in between. It is this continuum of possibilities that allows for such diversity among us. A person who really likes people and is very, very trusting can also be very trusting or skeptical of his or her own abilities to accomplish important things. Where any person is on a series of continua makes up that individual’s personality. With this large chance for variation on dozens of different factors there is truly an opportunity for every person to be unique; having a special combination of qualities that no else has.
This makes building relationships a difficult task. The more we ignore the differences the more difficult it becomes. The more we acknowledge and celebrate the differences the easier it gets. To really relate requires that we pay careful attention to the world others live in. It is not the same world you live in. I know, technically if you set up a camera that captures everything, it will look the same no matter who looks at the pictures or videos but each picture or video will be filtered through the experiences and biases of the person who sees the picture or video. And if every person is doing what you are doing, each person is saying I don’t get why you don’t see what I see!
The first step to building relationships that work is to accept that no other person in this entire world sees the world the same way you do. This leads to the second step which is to do your best to find out how the other person sees the world; not through your eyes, ears, tongue, skin, nose, or hair on the back your neck, but by theirs. This is not an easy task. Many people do not want to do this. It means validating someone else’s belief system, way of life, view of the world; and you surely believe your way is best. But consider this, for thousands of years various groups of people have tried to force others to be what they believed they should be and wanted them to be and in every instance this has led to violent revolutions and wars. The American Dream is a dream centered on the importance of the individual as that individual becomes part of the American fabric. And that American fabric is a busy, colorful, textured tapestry not a one color, one dimensional, smooth piece of cloth.
The most highly successful organizations in our world today understand that the relationships that exist within the organization are a critical component of the Culture of the organization. They understand that the Culture that exists is best when it is a “Culture by Choice™.” Building relationships is a critical component of any Culture by Choice™. O pay careful attention to the relationships that exist within your organization and answer this very important question: “Do these relationships exist in a way that is consistent with what you want your culture to be?” Do you know what you want your organizational relationships to be? Do you know how to craft relationships in the manner you want them to exist? The key, once again is to be intentional. Don’t have a default culture or a culture by accident; have a Culture by Choice™.
The Many Skills Needed by Leaders Part IV:
RELATING:
Every leadership act involves a number of people. For the leadership function to succeed a relationship between all of the actors must be established. We talk about responsible relationships. That means everyone accepts the responsibility maintaining positive relationships. Effective leaders set aside personal agendas and make sure there are no “unsaids.” What’s an “unsaid?” An “unsaid” is that thing you’re thinking but chose not to say because you don’t want to mess things up! Unsaids are festering sores. Eventually you get mad because you’ve had this story you’ve been telling yourself based on what you think is going on about what you won’t talk about. It gets worse when people start talking about it to others rather than to the one who needs to hear what you’re thinking. Oh, and there’s one other thing to consider. Sometimes when you don’t say it out loud, your body is screaming it anyway!
Building responsible relationships is crucial to building a successful team. Every leader needs to be cognizant of how powerful that is in the leadership role. If every leader spent a little time fostering a culture of integrity and openness, they would find they have real teams and not just workgroups. It’s hard to lead when you spend all your time being a referee.
“The usual metaphor is the elephant in the room. Former Eli Lilly CEO Randall Tobias called it the moose on the table. George Kohlrieser, a professor at the International Institute for Management Development in Switzerland, has developed the metaphor particularly well: “Put the fish on the table,” he says. It’s smelly, and cleaning it is messy work, but you get a good meal in the end. .” (Colvin, Geoff (2008-10-04). Talent Is Overrated: What Really Separates World-Class Performers from Everybody Else p. 143 Penguin Group. Kindle Edition.)
Followers will generally avoid conflicts if there is a lack of trust on the team The trust needed for a cohesive team is not our general idea of trust; I can trust Bob to do his job. But team promoting trust is based on vulnerability. Team members trust one another not to exploit their vulnerabilities and as a result everyone is willing to share and contribute to the solution of every problem. Team members will toss the fish onto the table if they trust one another.
We saw this desire to “keep the Fish off the table” first hand in a study of over 300 vending route drivers and supervisors. We found the vast majority of the route drivers were so averse to confrontation that if they were promoted to a supervisory position, they would not address serious issues and would wait for someone from corporate to come to their site to handle the problem. This is a case where trust building was a necessity. By changing the perception of problems from being confrontational issues to being opportunities to solve problems together, supervisors gain confidence in both their superiors and their subordinates. Acquiring a perspective of the “Fish on the Table” as not a confrontation but a way to help everyone get their needs met, these supervisors can help re-establish the order they so strongly desire and maintain the harmony they all need.
SUMMATION:
There can be no doubt that the relationships in an organization are very important to that organization’s culture. Can you put the fish on the table? A book I have referred to before gives an extraordinary example of how the practical application of putting the fish on table can really work in any organization. That book is Turn the Ship Around: A True Story of Turning Followers into Leaders by L. David Marquet. I strongly encourage readers of this book to read that book as well. I don’t want to just quote pieces of that book, even though I will do that here, I believe that every leader can learn about the most critical aspect of effective leadership from that book. That critical aspect is how you build relationships that engage every member of the team in the process of creating a culture of success. Captain Marquet was, at times a little accidental in his process but he turned the accidental successes into intentional practices so that everyone could benefit from what was learned.
Some leaders believe in empowering their followers. Read what Captain Marquet says about empowerment.
“Empowerment is a necessary step because we’ve been accustomed to disempowerment. Empowerment is needed to undo all those top-down, do-what-you’re-told, be-a-team-player messages that result from our leader-follower model. But empowerment is not enough in a couple of ways.
“First, empowerment by itself is not a complete leadership structure. Empowerment does not work without the attributes of competence and clarity.
“Second, empowerment still results from and is a manifestation of a top-down structure. At its core is the belief that the leader ‘empowers’ the followers, that the leader has the power and ability to empower the followers.
“We need more than that because empowerment within a leader-follower structure is a modest compensation and voice lost compared with the overwhelming signal that ‘you are a follower.’ It is a confusing signal.
“What we need is release, or emancipation. Emancipation is fundamentally different from empowerment. With emancipation we are recognizing the inherent genius, energy, and creativity in all people, and allowing those talents to emerge. We realize that we don’t have the power to give these talents to others or “empower” them to use them, only the power to prevent them from coming out. Emancipation results when teams have been given decision-making control and have the additional characteristics of competence and clarity. You know you have an emancipated team when you no longer need to empower them. Indeed, you no longer have the ability to empower them because they are not relying on you as their source of power.” (Turn the Ship Around L. David Marquet, Portfolio Hardcover, 2013, pp212-13.)
Imagine the types of relationships that can be built in an organization when everyone has the freedom to perform to the highest level of their competency. Imagine how effective an organization can be when there is crystal clarity around what is to be done and what level of performance is expected. Captain Marquet (pronounced Markay) did this on a submarine. He turned the worst performing submarine in the fleet into one of the top performing ships in the Navy. He did it by building relationships around a level of trust based on knowing what was expected and making sure everyone had the technical competence needed to perform at that level. And then setting them free to do their job. No micromanaging and no recriminations. No us and them and no waiting for directions and orders. Respond based on your technical training and everyone take responsibility for the success of the organization.
I’ve seen this work in other organizations. I applied these principles in my position as a school superintendent. When people have the freedom to work and the “boss” lets them know he has confidence in their ability to do the job, it is amazing what can be accomplished. The hardest part is imparting that philosophy to everyone in the chain of command. That requires crystal clarity about how things are to be done and who has the power. It can be done and it does work. Read that book, I did in just a few days. It is a powerful piece of testimony.
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