People are always looking for the magic bullet. That one thing that makes something stick. Magic bullets are usually not magic bullets at all, but just common sense put into practice. They’re not always easy, or at least easily sustainable. If they were we wouldn’t be looking for them, now would we?
In our line of work we are always asked, “How do I get ___________ to do what I want?” Is there a magic bullet for getting people to do what you want them to do?
There is. It’s called empathy.
I recently listed to a podcast by Seth Godin speaking about empathy “Empathy doesn’t mean that you like the other person. In fact, when you like the other person you do not need that much empathy. Empathy means that the outcome is important enough to you that you are willing to exercise effort to get that outcome.” Let me repeat that again, “Empathy means that the outcome is important enough to you that you are willing to exercise effort to get that outcome.”
As Seth pointed out, our first response is that we want to do something. “Do it right now. Do it clearly. Get this over with so we can move on. Yes, this happened. Yes, we are uncomfortable. Yes, the answer is complicated. Yes, we do not know exactly what to do. So instead we’re going to stand here and immerse ourselves into it, thinking as hard as we can to understand, maybe for a second, maybe longer, what that person needs. Who are they? What do they know? What do they believe? What do they want? What are they keeping track of? What is important to them?
What would I do if I were you, is not the question, because I’m not you. The question should be, what if I wanted what you wanted? If I had been exposed to what you’ve been exposed to, what story would resonate with me? What if we let go of our own self-satisfaction and certainty in our correctness and imagine for a minute that we believe what they believe, that we know what they know, and that we want what they want. Then what story has to show up? If you give them the freedom to be who they are, you are able to dance with them so you will both get what you want.
Empathy then doesn’t mean you like the person we are trying to empathize with. It doesn’t mean we like the situation that we are in. It simply means that we are choosing to do what works. And what works for us is probably fair, and just and probably works for the other person.”
Are you willing to exercise effort to get the outcome you are looking for?
Step One: Identify someone that you are currently feeling extreme frustration towards or a situation that is keeping you from moving forward.
Step Two: Put yourself in their shoes. Who are they? What do they know? What do they believe? What do they want? What are they keeping track of? What is important to them?
Step Three: Revisit the conversations you’ve been having with this individual. Was empathy present? What would a new conversation with them look like if empathy were present? Are you willing to make the effort it will take to get the outcome you are looking for?