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]]>In the ever-changing business environment of today, the only thing that is constant is change. A large majority of the working population are people that are resistant to change or find change difficult. They are steady, patient and consistent. However, even if change is easier for some more than others, during these times of change and transition, what your people are really looking for is safety, security and the knowledge that they are a priority regardless of who they are.
If one of your company values is your people but most conversations are in terms of meeting your quarterly numbers, what your communication is saying to your people is the bottom line is the priority, not them.
If you keep “toxic geniuses” on staff – high performers that are toxic and not held accountable – you are communicating that high performance is more important than the well-being of the team.
If you are throwing people into a position without adequate training and onboarding, you are telling your people that putting a butt in the seat is more important than ensuring their success in the organization.
It takes courage to lead by doing what is right in the face of pressure and expedited results. But what you are communicating to your people through these acts and words, is that they are the priority. That you see them as human beings and empathize with their worries and concerns.
Respect, loyalty and love come when your people feel they are the priority. They will follow you to the pit of hell itself if they know that they are safe, you have their back, you stand by what you say, and communicate that they are, in fact, the priority.
Want to create a winning culture? Effectively communicate to your people that they are the priority.
As a leader, ask yourself this:
In this edition of Tips for Transformative Leadership, I want to share an article from Inc.com that provides a great overview of this toxic behavior pattern known as passive-aggression.
5 Tactics Passive Aggressive People Use to Get Under Your Skin (and How You Can Fight Back): A quick look at what this toxic behavior looks like in real life – and what you can do about it. By Justin Bariso
Have you ever had a situation in which someone agreed to do things your way, only to then quietly sabotage your plan and do all they can to make it fail?
This subtle, toxic behavior is known as passive aggression.
Passive-aggressive behavior is the demonstration of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in a discreet or “passive” manner. It’s characterized by subtle comments or actions that indicate a person disagrees or is displeased with a course of action.
Unfortunately, we’re faced with passive-aggressive behavior in all walks of life. You’ll get it from that colleague at work, the one who always has something to complain about. You encounter it when you’re out running errands, from disgruntled service industry employees. And you might even face it at home, coming from your partner or child–especially if they’re having a bad day.
So, what does passive-aggressive behavior look like in real life? And how can you fight this toxic behavior?
In my book, EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence, I take a long, hard look at how people use emotions to try and manipulate you–including the use of passive-aggression.
Here are just a few ways passive-aggressive behavior may manifest itself in the real world:
1. The giver of the silent treatment.
After agreeing to do things a certain way, the other person avoids you as much as possible. When you try to have a conversation, they remain tight-lipped, provide short answers and refuse to engage, or turn a cold shoulder.
2. The sulker.
We’ve all seen this behavior in kids, but plenty of adults do it too. When the person doesn’t get their way, they suddenly become sad and bitter, immediately sucking the joy from of any room they enter.
3. The forgetter.
In this case, a person agrees to help with a task but then simply doesn’t follow through. They may claim they “forgot” when in reality they had no intention of helping out in the first place. Or, they simply procrastinate to the point that you (or someone else) has to take over.
4. The low performer.
Instead of completely not following through on a task, this person carries out the task but does so sloppily or with little effort. By performing way below expectations, they show how they really feel.
5. The needler.
This person uses sarcasm or backhanded compliments to try and undermine your sense of self-confidence or tear away at your nerves. They may do so in an ambiguous way, but they know exactly what they’re doing.
How to fight back
In many of these cases, the person will deny anything is wrong. They may claim ignorance or simply refuse to acknowledge genuine feelings of anger or negativity. In other cases, a person who regularly employs passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t even realize they’re doing so. But that doesn’t make their words or actions any easier to bear.
So, how can you combat this behavior once and for all?
Since the person refuses to confront their negative feelings, you have to help them do so.
“It’s not an in-your-face, anger-inspiring, make-them-admit-what-they-did kind of authoritarian tactic,” writes Signe Whitson, co-author of The Angry Smile. Rather, it’s “a quiet and reflective verbal intervention skill in which a person gently but openly shares his or her thoughts about the other person’s behavior and unexpressed anger.”
In other words, you want to work with the person to get down to the root problem.
To do this, be sure to clearly communicate your own feelings and expectations. If you suspect that you know the specific cause of the other person’s aggression, ask specifically if that’s what’s bothering them. If they deny that’s the case, take their word for it–but gently try to keep the discussion going. If appropriate, take initiative to apologize for anything you’ve done that could contribute to hurt feelings and ask what you could do to make the situation better.
Most of the time, your genuine interest in the other person will cause them to begin changing their behavior. And once a problem is identified, you can often work together to find an agreement that satisfies both parties moving forward.
]]>Blind spots are a funny thing. Sometimes we see them, sometimes we don’t. They can often hide in our response to pressure and stress. Perhaps you are a no-nonsense person who gets results. Your boss or Board loves you. You have been handsomely rewarded for your ability to make things happen. You have an amazing team that helps you achieve success. The problem is the higher the stakes the more difficult it is for you to let your team do what they do best. You find yourself starting to micro manage. You delegate, but then take it back if it takes too long or at the first sign of failure. Your team gets frustrated and feels that no matter what they do it’s not going to be right. You in turn become frustrated wondering why your team doesn’t take initiative. Instead of developing a team of leaders, you have inadvertently developed a team of followers. Your sense of urgency and need for control get in the way. Oh, that thing… That’s how blind spots work.
Maybe you are a different kind of leader. You are kind, compassionate and supportive. You have an ability to bring people together. You contribute to a positive and optimistic work environment. You always have time to listen. Your team loves you. But you have a tendency to let issues with your direct reports go on longer than they should before addressing them. Having difficult conversations is not your favorite thing to do so you let your strong belief in people take over your better judgement. You truly believe that it will get better, that they’ll turn it around just given time – so you wait. In the meantime, their performance deteriorates, the customers are affected and your P&L suffers. Not addressing difficult issues in a timely manner has caused much larger issues. Oh, that thing… And your blind spot rears its ugly head.
Blind spots are not always easy for us to see, but once we are made aware of them we can be prepared for the responses that we will most likely happen and prepare accordingly. Understanding our blind spots and learning to monitor them can have an impact on our capacity to change, grow, and effectively adapt to our work environment and to each other. The more we are aware of – oh, that thing – the more effective and successful we will be.
Do you know what your blind spots are?
Being present is more difficult than ever. Our minds and bodies rarely stop. It gets harder and harder to stay focused. As a society, we are experiencing more stress-related illnesses and issues than ever. Not only do we suffer, but our employees suffer, our customers suffer and beyond that, our families suffer.
There is one simple practice that I have added to my daily routine for the past two years that has helped me get a handle on stress. It’s meditation. Before you stop reading and imagine me sitting cross-legged with my eyes closed, hands on my knees and burning incense, please understand that meditation is simply taking a few minutes a day to step back and get a different perspective.
More and more studies are proving the benefits of a regular meditation practice, even to the point that many organizations are including meditation as part of their leadership training and conflict management resolution, with some even designating spaces in their buildings specifically designed for meditation. The health benefits are enormous and are being prescribed by doctors to help relieve stress or cope with everything from addiction to a cancer diagnosis.
There are many apps available to help with this practice. My personal favorite is Headspace. It has completely transformed my understanding of meditation and the value it can have in every aspect of your life. Each session begins with closing your eyes and taking a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Try it for yourself – Breathe In, Breathe Out. This one simple step can instantly provide a sense of calm. I practice this many times a day, especially the more hectic days. Just that simple act can make all the difference.
We can’t change everything in our lives overnight, but we can take a small step to help ease the stress and stop, even for a moment. Or better yet, a few minutes a day.
Helpful resources:
In our line of work we are always asked, “How do I get ___________ to do what I want?” Is there a magic bullet for getting people to do what you want them to do?
There is. It’s called empathy.
I recently listed to a podcast by Seth Godin speaking about empathy “Empathy doesn’t mean that you like the other person. In fact, when you like the other person you do not need that much empathy. Empathy means that the outcome is important enough to you that you are willing to exercise effort to get that outcome.” Let me repeat that again, “Empathy means that the outcome is important enough to you that you are willing to exercise effort to get that outcome.”
As Seth pointed out, our first response is that we want to do something. “Do it right now. Do it clearly. Get this over with so we can move on. Yes, this happened. Yes, we are uncomfortable. Yes, the answer is complicated. Yes, we do not know exactly what to do. So instead we’re going to stand here and immerse ourselves into it, thinking as hard as we can to understand, maybe for a second, maybe longer, what that person needs. Who are they? What do they know? What do they believe? What do they want? What are they keeping track of? What is important to them?
What would I do if I were you, is not the question, because I’m not you. The question should be, what if I wanted what you wanted? If I had been exposed to what you’ve been exposed to, what story would resonate with me? What if we let go of our own self-satisfaction and certainty in our correctness and imagine for a minute that we believe what they believe, that we know what they know, and that we want what they want. Then what story has to show up? If you give them the freedom to be who they are, you are able to dance with them so you will both get what you want.
Empathy then doesn’t mean you like the person we are trying to empathize with. It doesn’t mean we like the situation that we are in. It simply means that we are choosing to do what works. And what works for us is probably fair, and just and probably works for the other person.”
Are you willing to exercise effort to get the outcome you are looking for?
Step One: Identify someone that you are currently feeling extreme frustration towards or a situation that is keeping you from moving forward.
Step Two: Put yourself in their shoes. Who are they? What do they know? What do they believe? What do they want? What are they keeping track of? What is important to them?
Step Three: Revisit the conversations you’ve been having with this individual. Was empathy present? What would a new conversation with them look like if empathy were present? Are you willing to make the effort it will take to get the outcome you are looking for?
]]>What was determined from their findings was that working on any more than 2 initiatives at any one time means that rarely are any of the initiatives accomplished. We know this to be true, and yet we continue to pile on initiative after initiative and wonder why we never accomplish anything. The fact is, this is the state of our society. We truly believe we can get it all done, rather than methodically working our way through 2 initiatives at a time.
With many of us feeling as though we are in a perpetual state of “going through the motions” and dealing with the day-to-day urgency that the whirlwind creates, the need to celebrate small wins is higher than ever.
A study was recently conducted by The Harvard Business School. They studied how everyday life inside organizations can influence people and their performance. After analyzing nearly 12,000 diary entries from 238 employees in seven companies they found something very interesting:
“The efforts of tracking small achievements every day enhanced the workers motivation. The practice of recording our progress helps us appreciate our small wins which in turn boosts our sense of confidence. We can then leverage that competence toward future, larger successes. This is because any accomplishment, no matter how small, activates the reward circuitry of our brains. When this pathway is opened some key chemicals are released that give us a feeling of achievement and pride.”
So what the people in the study had essentially created was an addiction to progress. Pretty amazing, isn’t it?
What would happen if you started tracking your small wins and not just what you didn’t get done?
Step One: Start recording the small wins you have each week. Ask your staff to do the same.
Step Two: At your weekly meetings (or at least once per month), have everyone share their small wins and celebrate them together.
]]>One of the pitfalls in communication we’re going to talk about today is responding to communication from others. Regardless of the form of communication, there is nothing more frustrating than needing an answer and waiting for a response from someone. The potential to make things worse is when your expectation for a response is different from the person you are communicating with.
Most issues around this can be resolved by clearly stating your expectations for a response. More often than not we use generalizations such as, “Can you get back to me about this?” Or, “Please let me know your thoughts.” And that therein is the rub – with no clarity around when your response is needed, the response time is solely at the discretion of the receiver. You may be expecting a response within a few hours or at best by the next day. For the receiver, it might mean something entirely different.
To avoid frustration and misunderstanding, be sure to be as clear as you can about what you expect, as well as a time frame for their response. If you want to avoid the potential for open interpretation, add, “If I don’t hear back from you by …, I will follow up with you on …”
There are some people that are just naturally fast responders. But then there are others that put off those things that they don’t find especially appealing or urgent (in their mind). And if those two types are communicating with each other… well, you can see the potential for problems.
Avoiding this pitfall is a pretty easy process and one that can save you a great deal of frustration and anxiety.
Avoiding the response pitfall in communication:
Step One: When you are looking for a response from someone clearly state your expectations, including when you would like to hear back from them. Include with your communication when you will follow up if you don’t get a response.
Step Two: Try to be reasonable. If it’s urgent, ask yourself if it is in fact urgent or if you just want to get it off of your plate.
Step Three: If you cannot accommodate the time frame someone has given you, be courteous. Send them a text or email and let them know you got their message and when they can expect to hear from you.
]]>My husband plows snow in the winter, so I’ve gained a new appreciation for the commitment these folks have to keep our roads clear or the stores open. They start at midnight and work until the job is done. If we are hit with one of those snowstorms that we are so familiar with in the Midwest – the kind that give you a one or two hour window and then start up again – they don’t punch out and come home. Many of them sleep for a couple of hours in their trucks and keep going. There have been many times when I barely see my husband for three days straight.
Every single day we pass by people that fix our roads, build our homes, and deliver products. The world doesn’t stop because it’s the weekend or 5:00. There are many people out there that are working 12-14+ hour days. Yet we grumble because the traffic is backed up or our favorite snack is sold out.
Your practice for this week is simple – acknowledge the unseen. Thank people that keep the wheels turning in this amazing country of ours. Be more aware of what it takes for that gallon of milk to be available when you head to the grocery store at 11:30 pm so your kids will have milk for their cereal in the morning. Or the road workers that work in hot asphalt in 80+ degree heat.
Many of you that receive these Tips work in these industries. Whether you are out there making deliveries or back at the office keeping things moving, on behalf of myself and all of us at Culture by Choice, I want to thank you. We do see you and appreciate you.
]]>As I was researching this subject there were two studies that caught my attention. Each of these studies looked at the connection between employee engagement and an employee feeling valued by their employer. In one study by Lifeworks, they reported that 76% of employees who do not feel valued are looking for other job opportunities.
In another study, the American Psychological Association (APA) reported the following comparisons of those who feel valued against those who don’t:
In our current work environment, we often put so much focus on the bottom line, productivity and performance. As leaders we pat people on the back when they meet their quota, hit the quarterly numbers, or finish a project within budget. But if your people are not feeling valued, they could easily be primed and ready to be picked off by the competition.
An easy, but effective way to increase employee engagement, and make your employees feel valued in the process, is to ask them one simple question, “What can we do better?” I read a long time ago that the person that is within 12 ft. of a job has the most valuable insight. They are the folks that are doing that job day in and day out. They know what’s not working, what can be improved, and where to increase efficiencies.
So, it’s really quite simple. Ask the question and then listen. That’s it.
Increase engagement and practice the 12 ft. rule:
Step One: Start with the question: “What can we do better?”
Step Two: Listen and engage.
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